…to tell you that I loved you, and another three years before I moved in with you. You thought I was scared to commit. I was scared of this, scared of how much I love you, scared of feeling that I’d never be able to find happiness without you. That’s what I was scared of.” Here we are. 2 years later. It seems as though everything has flipped sides. She’s learning what I had to learn, seeing what i’ve to see. I know this life of learning will never end, but I am starting to believe our life of learning life’s lessons will start its chapter of us learning together. She is my lightning strike. She’s exhausted and sleeping like a rock. I miss when we used to sleep to music instead of tv. The cool air is breezy through the open window just like she likes. Our legs are tangled just like they always are. I’m really starting to believe that we are each others fate. That we’ve learned enough to know that we’re going to commit forever. No one could try to compare to what she does to me, for me, makes me feel complete. No one can come close, after all this time. She’s my lightning strike. Her exquisite mind and eyes. I know that this is the girl I will spend the rest of my life with and am ready [if and] when she is. I want to wake her up and kiss her and be so happy that through all this years, through all the good and the bad, we’ve grown and learned and after everything we’ve both put on the line, we’ve both figured this out. Im finally less doubting of marrying this girl. I want to bask in this.

When she’s gone I like to lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling while listening to music. Sad music or music that reminds me of us. There’s so many possibilities when she’s away. She’ll find it’s not me, or theres too many doubts or our history is not what she thought it was. I fear every promise she made for round two will turn into an “I don’t think it’s you anymore”. Im insecure and I hate that I ask the questions and worry and have fears. I try to justify it with I still have to reassure her. I like to stare at the ceiling because it’s so plain. I feel like this is what my heart would be like without her. She’s the ONLY person I’ve had in my life that I feel truly cares about me and makes me better. There’s other people who love me and care, but those are also people who have created a lot of struggles I have now, people who still manage to cut me down. I know some say prematurely that the person they’re dating is the one. I can say that not prematurely, I can say that about her because I KNOW. Finally. I know she’s still young and less experienced in this world of dating among everything but I hope her promises mean what I’ve tried to show her promises should mean.

It’s been almost 5 years since Devin died. I miss him alot but it’s not something I’ve ever really let myself feel. It was another time in my life where I had to be strong for the people around me, I had to hold the girls that were a mess, wipe their tears, squeeze their hands when all I wanted to do was fall apart to someone. I seem to do that more often then not. Comfort the people who mean alot to me when I feel like I’m a mess. I bite my lip, I hold it all in when all I really feel like doing is crying in someone’s arms, curling up in a ball and being the anxious mess that I am. But I can’t. I’ve always been that person or tried to be. The one that will hold someone close no matter how much is going on within me. upset, angry, tired, it doesn’t matter, I keep my mouth shut and try my hardest to make someone feel better and because I’ve always done that I’m surrounded by people who don’t understand that I’ve reached a point in my life where I need people to do that for me. I try to give all of myself and do everything and anything to the people who mean everything to me and I’ve found that most of them don’t do the same. I don’t think it’s completely because they wouldn’t, I think part of it is my inability to tell them how much I’m really struggling. They will always say it will get better. Well listen to me for once. March is my hardest month every year. If there’s ever a time I don’t make it, it will be a March. Then my birthday will come. Everyone will try to make it special. It’s the reason I worked my 21st all night. It will be 6 years since Ryan died. One of few times people actually held me. I couldn’t even get it together enough to talk to his dad until I ended up falling apart in his arms. Happiness did not exist for even a moment of my 16th birthday, it would take something special for it to exist on another birthday. My 17th was miserable, I was fucked up my 18th, my 19th was a holiday, my 20th was awful and my 21st was finally full of people that didn’t try because I didn’t acknowledge it.

28 months ago I was afraid of what would happen to us after spending every day of summer together and then her moving away. I never said it out loud but I didn’t want to be far away and it was too hard for me to handle. I tried but she seemed to have her own new life that I didn’t ever fully feel like a part of anymore. She was away at school and I was afraid she was gonna find someone better, I was afraid she was gonna choose someone over me.

28 months ago I got fucked up and fell back into my runaway because I was afraid of what would happen to us so I ended up screwing it up when I was drowning in fear. I was afraid to face the consequences of my actions. I met someone new, one that didn’t come with fears.

27 months ago I was afraid to come back. I know what I did to her and it ate away at me. I was afraid that I’d never forgive myself. I found a girl that was easy to love. One that for some period of time made me believe I was on top of the world and that all my fears would eventually disappear, all my residual feelings would subside.

26 months ago I was afraid of what I had gotten myself into. I got fucked up everyday to get through the holidays and try to forget the year before and how amazing it had been. I had a girl that made me happier than ever, I started to plan to move. I tried to ignore that fact that I still hate holidays and she still lingers in my brain.

25 months ago I forced myself to forget my fears. It was too late to go back. I made my choice and once you pick someone else it’s difficult to find a way to go back.

24 months ago I started to feel like I was happy and that I could make a life in this place.

21 months ago I was challenged by another girl and was afraid that I went after that challenge. I was afraid that it didn’t bother me like it did with Austin.

18 months ago I was afraid that trying didn’t matter anymore. I was afraid of where I’d end up after everything I’d put people from home through for this girl. I thought about coming back but I didn’t want to come back if I couldn’t promise anything you wanted for the rest of your life, and I couldn’t do that yet.

17 months ago I was afraid for my life. Everything I had done was starting to sink in. My life was in pieces and I didn’t want to live with it anymore. I was terrified to come back to the one person who always knew how to hold my life together because I didn’t think she would want to or could hold my life together again.

16 months ago I was afraid of what I wanted because I knew I couldn’t promise her the things she wanted. I still hurt from my failed year of running away. I wanted her but I couldn’t give her all of myself.

15 months ago I was afraid to lose her again. I still couldn’t give her everything and I was scared I made the wrong choice to come back because I couldn’t give her enough. I didn’t know. I ran away to the person I knew I wouldn’t lose.

14 months ago I was afraid to lose everyone who had been here for me, the people I came home for. I fell into it again, I decided to run away again and that maybe I could find that happiness again, the one that made me make all the wrong choices in the first place.

13 months ago I got scared she would leave because she didn’t want to hear me talk to her, she didn’t want me to fall into this again. I got scared and I put her in a snowglobe. I put her in a snowglobe for 7 months because for 7 months I was terrified, terrified to say I might want to try, I might want to try to give her everything but I might fail. I was afraid to say I want to try because I said I wouldn’t try unless I could give her forever and I still couldn’t promise that. I kept her in a snowglobe for 7 months because I was scared that if I tried and I failed she’d find someone else to make her happy.

6 months ago I was terrified, she was tired of my snowglobe. I was so scared to tell her how I felt because I still couldn’t give her everything. I let her walk away. I let her find someone who could give her more than I could.

5 months ago I was afraid because I knew what I had to do. I had to somehow let go of the Virginia chapter in my life and admit my faults over the past 2 years. I had to find it within me to have the courage to come back and tell her the mistakes of made and that I would promise forever because I could. I was afraid she wouldn’t let me back in.

4 months ago I found it in me to swallow my pride. 4 months ago I put my fears of her not letting me back in her life aside and started spitting it out. I was afraid she would let someone change her feelings for me, change the fact that she waited. I was afraid somewhere along the way someone would take her.

3 months ago I promised her forever. I was terrified. I let her into my family. I let every wall down. I opened myself up with the fear of being hurt, with the fear of letting her into everything and it not being good enough anymore.

2 months ago I feared a girl who threatened me. I saw it coming a mile away. 2 months ago I feared that every word she had said about was would disappear when she met this girl. I was afraid she was gonna find someone better, I was afraid she was gonna choose someone over me.

1 month ago I feared she would have a weekend like mine. One that changes your whole mindset. One that changes your whole outlook on things and the people in your life. One that changes who you choose. I was afraid she was gonna find someone better, I was afraid she was gonna choose someone over me.

1 month ago I was afraid that me being able to promise forever doesn’t mean anything anymore. I was afraid that she was going to do everything I did with the exception of leave. I was afraid that she was going to do all the same things except for realize that at the end of all of it, it is me.

She promised forever every time. I feared that she didn’t mean it. I’ve come to realize she meant it, just not in the same way I did.

I’ve been afraid of exactly what’s happening now.

I’ve been afraid that I’d never find someone who could compare. That maybe I’d find something that seemed like it could, something that kept me happy for a little while, but that that something wouldn’t last like we did.

I’ve been afraid that if I came back I’d have to accept the consequences to my actions and that those consequences would consist of me not being good enough anymore, that the feelings she had for me would fade, that I’d be too late.

I’ve been afraid that if I came back one of us would get hurt again.

I was afraid she was gonna find someone better, I was afraid she was gonna choose someone over me.

I’m surrounded by flowers today. I bought them for 4 amazing females in my life. I’ve been watching them be delivered all day. Show me the day a girl gets me flowers and makes me feel that special. That’s what happens when you’re the dyke. You’re the one that’s supposed to make girls feel special when you’re dating them or their boyfriends are assholes. I want a girl that likes to do cute things for me, that will bring me flowers and love me and I’ll be good enough.

My last night of my first time away consisted of my phone going off over and over again because my best friend needed me. I was an asshole and didnt answer. I could be that person who says I need my best friend right now, but I wont give her the opportunity to be the asshole I was. She might have the best night of her life and wake up to me being gone. Last night I thought that was true. Tonight I might just be trying to sleep but lately it seems that my efforts to sleep are more likely to cause a coma first. I know Id already be gone if I never knew her.

Today all I needed was her voice. But I was at work when she could talk and every other time I felt rushed off the phone. All I needed was some reassurance that she wasn’t gonna forget about me and our life and the last 3 texts I got included we’ll talk tomorrow. I get that. It means I’m too busy for this right now. And then she wants to tell me that what she felt while I was in Virginia was worse than what I feel now? That pisses me off. She has no idea how I feel right now because I’m trying to tell her but she’s just saying I’ll talk to you tomorrow. When she’s here I’m fine. But for all I know my worst nightmare could be happening right now. Sometimes I wish there wasn’t a tomorrow. I’d just go to sleep and tomorrow would never come. I only feel like this when something’s missing. I’ve barely talked to her in 2 days, it doesn’t seem like a lot but when you sleep next to someone every night 2 days is an eternity. I can only imagine she’s cuddled up next to her sleeping just fine. It scares me how much better I am when she’s around. I can’t blame her for wanting to be there and not here. I can’t blame her for anything. But I really am one of those people who has a better half. I am a lost cause without her.